| What to do... |
[08 Jun 2003|10:59am] |
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I realized when I cracked open my journal just before dawn today....that in all the stuff that's happened since last fall, I haven't really been writing much. But how can I begin to recap all of this?
Remember that McDohl kid, journal? Well, we followed him and his housekeeper Gremio off on some wild adventure to find a true rune - in the meantime my ignored older sister repeatedly tried to contact me, I was plagued with bizarre dreams and figured out that Tir was in love with Gremio. Then all hell broke loose, because Gremio and I plotted to leave our respective counterparts behind, and he and Viktor went off after the rune while I went back to Warrior's Village and Tir dragged his devastated self to Gregminster.
I nearly got myself killed, broke my prized sword Odessa and acquired a talking sword that ahas been plaguing me with horror stories everytime Viktor isn't around. Gremio won the Beast rune but not before it tried to become Viktor's instead... time passed and all 4 of us reunited.
You'd think it would have been a happy ending, except for my broken sword.... until Gremio tried to kill himself. And since then, everything's just been shitty.
And last night? Last night made me angry, really angry. No, not because the Beast Rune tried to use Gremio agaisnt me - I could care less about the nail marks down my arms, despite how pissed Viktor is...
But in those moments, in those moments of Gremio on top of me and Tir sobbing himself to ill in his bed, I was flooded with so many memories of Viktor and I - of how hard it was for me to really admit what was happening between us... of how I thought I could never find myself in such a place... could never be "like that" with Viktor...
Sure, we had that initial tryst which I scoffed off as druken nonsense...
After Claire died, and Lesli hurt me... after Odessa was murdered... everytime I lost somebody close to me, I got colder and angrier and probably more immature. I didn't want anyone to get past my guard - but oh how Nina tried! *soft laughter*
So how it it that Viktor got past all that? How is it that he walked right throguh all those walls to the point, that one day at sunset, one of those days I'd run off into the trees angsting about something or another... were we still building the fort then? I'm not even sure I can pinpoint it that accurately. But as I'd been sitting there contemplating leaving him, the men, the fort, all of it behind in the middle of the night....
He came up beside me, looked down at me. And I didn't look up. And yet I'll never forget his voice, the way he said it, the weight behind those words.
"You love me."
Not *I* love you, or *Do* you love me, or do you want to fuck, nono, none of those, just... You. Love. Me.
And when I didn't answer - even after all those stolen "drunken" "didn't know what I was thinking" kisses we'd shared in the last few months, even after how I blew him off afterwards every single time and got so sick thinking about what we'd done - thinking maybe I was using my best friend as some kind of warped substitute for those I'd lost....- when I didn't even have the courage to look up and answer him, when I completely ignored him, denied him... he just walked away.
Maybe that was when I knew he was right. Maybe that was the moment? Or maybe it took a few hours, as the last light of day faded and the stars came out.. and I was alone out there.
And when I was searching him out hours later, and no one knew where he was? Panic. I felt panic.
Something inside me almost died that day.
But late that night he came back to the fort, came back bringing bottles of ale and fresh bread for everyone from the nearest town, and everyone had a bit of a celebration, a celebration of new beginnings... I know it was that same night that found me crawling into his bed - and I was absolutely sober. He didn't turn me away. Hell, it was an even longer time, years before I would tell him I loved him, or he would tell me the same... but we knew, we both knew... and then it wasn't so awful to me anymore.
Even if it took some getting used to.
Last night, seeing Tir like that... makes me wonder how badly I might have hurt Viktor in all the times I turned him away... and yet he never gave up on me. He never left me, he never stopped being my friend... Maybe it was the security in knowing that no matter how much of an ass I was, I wasn't going to lose him as my friend... maybe that was what gave me the courage to make that leap.
But I can't pass that kind of wisdom onto Gremio - I can't say for sure that he feels at all like I did then, and either way, it's something better learned on one's own. And even if he does love Tir, and I know he does... it doesn't mean he'll ever come to grips with what they *could* be to each other. I don't blame him, really, having raised the kid.... but I would think that with eternity looming before you, you might be able to put aside a decade...
In thinking about these swords of mine and Viktor's, even in what they could possibly mean for us... suddenly the things that seemed like rocks, the things that seemed of such importance... are only pebbles... and if you fill the jar first with sand and pebbles, you'll never be able to see how the rocks can fit it.
Viktor, you may never read any of this - unless Gods forbid, something happens to me - but if you do, know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry my own idiocy ever hurt you, and I'm so incredibly grateful you stuck by me anyway.
~Flik
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| o/~ to every season, turn, turn, turn o/~ |
[24 Sep 2002|06:23am] |
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Turn, Turn, Turn |
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I'm not used to so many residents being awake at this hour, but as autumn has truly come into season, the days grow darker, and our mornings seem earlier.
Now that Marie is teaching, and she drags Astala out of bed and sends her off to classes (which vary from elementary to high school to college depending on Astala's mood and age for the day...), Sam, and often Frodo as well, are awake early cooking and chatting in the kitchen. I still don't understand why Astala has the power to shift between so many years as she does, but I suppose it's yet another mystery of this world. And as long as Jowy's around, she seems to stick to her teenage self, which is fine, because her younger self is far more rowdy, and the older has an insufferably prima donna side.
I'm getting off topic.
Usually when I wake just before dawn, the castle is silent...but now it is alive with activity, and sometimes I can almost imagine I'm back in the midst of a war, except for the fact that there is no underlying current of... I'm not sure how to describe it.
I spoke at length with Tir a few days ago, and I've been pondering his none too subtle request ever since then, to the point that I have hardly slept. I don't have any desire to be immortal myself, but Tir and Gremio are my friends, and as such, I do feel a lingering duty to help them if they so request it. In addition, I'd be denying myself if I said I did not completely understand why they are doing this.
Perhaps I should consider myself grateful that Viktor has never had much use for magical talents and runework.
I would be further denying myself if I said that I hadn't been looking for an excuse to go back to my world at length...but whether that would lead me to resolving the things Lila keeps writing to me about, I know not. I change my mind every day, sometimes every hour, about what to do in regards to that. To think that I could return and claim what is my rightful place is sometimes tempting - but I think that voice to be more the wounded child of yesteryear than the man I've become.....
A man who has no need of the relics of the past, for he has everything he could ever desire right here in the present. But it's so easy to lose sight of that... I know I should speak to Viktor about Tir's request... but though Vik has sworn to follow me wherever I would choose to go, I have the distinct feeling he's not going to take this mission well.
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| Sam's Cooking, The Great Beyond |
[14 Sep 2002|09:38pm] |
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I'm sitting here in the library of the castle, shut away from the smell of Sam's latest creation (which he claims Astala had a hand in), rice fried with shrimp. The thought of eating right now makes me sick, but to appease Sam, I took a hunk of sweet pumpernickel bread with me.
I've been sitting out in that tree nearly all day, except for the few hours in which I fell asleep in the grass beneath it.
I came back to the castle because I was thirsty, and cold... I have my sword on me already, and Sam has packed all of my food. All I need to do is run quickly up to my room, grabbing my cloak, flute, blanket and mapping tools, and I'd be set to go.
What did I think about under that tree today?
I have never been on my own. During my questing, Lesli was by my side. What were there but maybe two or three months between my leaving the village and meeting Viktor? And he has always been with me - when he wasn't, I was with others in the wars.
I have never really been alone. It isn't that I want to be, either, I know I have no desire for it. As much as I like my space, I don't need to be out on my own to have it.
It was just the simple realization that I have never truly been alone.
I'm going to wrap this bread up so that Sam doesn't realize I haven't eaten it, and retrieve my things from my room. There isn't a reason I shouldn't, is there?
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| Take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall... |
[13 Sep 2002|08:40am] |
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mood |
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 groggy |
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So what does it matter if I drink myself into oblivion?
It's not like I have any responsibility to anything, it's not like I have any purpose or point to existing lately. And I don't say this with the meaning of "oh I hate my life, I wish I was dead."
I don't. Mostly, things are just fine.
But it's not like I'm a commander in a war - I'm not even a merc on a job. It's not like I have any reason to BE drunk all the time, but I don't have any reason NOT to be drunk all the time, do I....?
That's something I really don't have the answer to, I suppose, and maybe that question in and of itself is where the actual problem lies.
Sometimes I think that Viktor found me in small space of time between the shock of leaving my entire life behind, and the drunken pathetic waste of life I was on the road to becoming. But this time, there isn't any war to be fought, any job to be had...
Even learning new languages and new instruments and memorizing more volumes of poetry grows boring after awhile. I've been thinking about packing a bag and hiking west, simply to see what's out there. Marie suggested that it's a nice time fo year to do so, because there are forests and the leaves are turning. She wouldn't say anymore, and I wonder how much she knows.
We've gone out on the boat, sailed east, and found nothing but water and a small chain of islands. No other feasible land masses within several hundred miles except the one we're on, which stretches to the north and south as far as the eye can see.
Does it have another side?
Either way, nothing to do about it right now. I have a massive headache, and I'm about to stumble back into bed and hope I don't wake Viktor.
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| More old memories |
[30 Aug 2002|11:13am] |
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The rain has stopped, but the sky is still slate gray and it's likely colder than it's been in many weeks here.
I have the urge to pull the big chair in my room out onto the balcony, take a book, my journal and a steaming mug of cocoa.
I used to do that a lot, that terribly long winter we spent in the castle at North Window. Viktor would come and find me sitting Indian style outside, my journal forgotten mid sentence, my face lifted to the sky, as if I was waiting for something. He would shake his head and ask me if I was ready to come down from the clouds yet.
It's almost as if I can sense autumn on the wind - the tips of some of the leaves have begun to turn red and gold... I've always loved the turnover of seasons, most particularly the beginning of autumn.
There was always a festival in the village, on the first full moon of autumn... it would still be a ways off yet, but every time I feel autumn on the wind, I think of those nights.
I'm not sure if the msit in the air is leftover from the rain or pulled from the ocean, but it's cool enough that I'm tempted to add my cloak or a blanket to this pile of mug, book and journal.
Too early for a fire though...
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| the pavement shines like silver... |
[29 Aug 2002|06:59am] |
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Cry Cry Cry - Northern Cross |
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If it weren't for my internal clock, I think I would have missed the sunrise... the sky is sheets of slate gray and rain falls steadily down for as far as the eye can see...
I stand just inside the doorway to my balcony, watching it hit the ocean, water upon water upon water...
I slept terribly last night, perhaps because I slept alone... lately it seems to be that way. I've had too much time to think and to write in the last year - too much time to ponder the purpose of my existence. When you're living in a war, there's no time to think about anything but survival.
Oddly enough, I had a talk with Yuna about this only a few minutes ago. Despite the rain, I decided to go for a walk on the beach at dawn, and I saw her out that as I have on occassion, walking on the water, her face turned up to the rain, soaked hair plastered to her face. I called to her and she came back to shore, asked me what I was doing out on a morning like this... when the rest of the castle was curled snug and warm in their beds.
The rain makes me feel alive. Sometimes with peace, with no sense of urgency, it's harder to truly appreciate the good and shining moments.... because there is nothing terrible to compare them to except memories.
She did not say a lot to me, really... just that she understood, and that watching her friends in the first year of Calm on Spira, she saw each of them struggle to find a place and a purpose in a world that was no longer hinged on bare survival.
Isn't that what civilization is about? That after we fulfill the neccessary needs of food, shelter, peace, prosperity... it's then that we have time for dreaming, writing, thinking, creating?
She nodded again, saying that although her faith in some higher power, some point and purpose to all of this...had been shaken.... that wind in the trees, raindrops on the ocean... somehow managed to convince her that there is still a benevolent divinity out there.
I think it convinces me as well.
We went our separate ways, and shortly after I came to my room to get out of my wet clothes... and yet I've done nothing but stand here and watch the rain... and appreciate the beauty there still is to be found in this world... to try and lessen the pain, the sorrow... it will never be forgotten, and it will never go away... but there are other things to fill oneself with.
I wish I could bottle the sounds and smells and sights as easily as I've bottled the sand from all the places I've been... but such things are better left to the mind's eye, as intangible as peace and love.
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| wind over the water again |
[19 Jul 2002|12:43am] |
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I stood out on the balcony for a long time.
I think I expected Viktor to know I was there, and come and find me.
He didn't, and I don't blame him, as there's been a lot going on over at the shack. Or maybe it's nothing at all and for once it's all on my end. I'm never sure lately.
Marie stopped by and we ahd an odd conversation. I don't want to get into, because I don't want to admit what I think she was hinting at or how much a part of me suddenly and strangely wanted to take her up on the offer. I baffle myself sometimes...
I'm not angry at Syl either.
Mostly I am just tired. worn. drained.
Maybe I should be the one to take off in The Horizon without looking back.
But for now I suppose I'll return to the balcony and finish this beer.
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| A little too late |
[06 Jul 2002|12:05am] |
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I haven't written here in a long time...I've been keeping my paper journal more often. I don't feel up to writing in it tonight though.
On my desk is a piece of dark oraneg tissue paper, and the thing inside it has been troubling me for the past week. In fact, there's two, the other is currently hidden in the drawer in the table beside my bed.
I started on this project when we came back from our lengthy trip on the Horizon... and I thought it was the perfect thing. Yet...watching all this stuff with Vik...and John and Sydney, Syl's odd behavior, Seth... and then a lot of people in the castle being morose...
I also ought to mention the strange girl I saw out on the dock early this morning around dawn. I'd gone to take a walk on the beach, couldn't sleep, and saw her in the distance. By the time I got there, she'd vanished. She had strawberry blonde hair - not as red as Odessa's though - and was wearing a long fluttery white dress. I have no idea who she is, and neither does Marie (who tends to knwo things before msot people) or Leilani (who tends to eavesdrop more than anyone else)...
I kind of want to give this to him...what I made. I guess I'm afraid he'll take it the wrong way - that he'll see it as...I don't know, something akin to John and Sydney's latest... ah, but I didn't know about that when I planned this. Maybe he'd just laugh at me, or look at me... in that way he does. He tilts his head jsut slightly, raises one eyebrow... as if he wants to tell me I'm crazy, but just grins instead...
Or maybe he'd like it. Lately I feel like I don't know.
I think I'll end this analyzation and go for another walk on the beach. Maybe I'll see the ghost girl again.
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| May Day |
[01 May 2002|09:36pm] |
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 blank |
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The castle is so beautiful today that I almost regret deciding to take this leave...
Marie has had help from the hobbits and Yuna in decorating the place with flowers and greenery, and Sam has cooked us all a wonderful meal as a farewell.
The Horizon is loaded with all our food and supplies, I've organized all the maps, compass, etc.
Dinner carried on and on, everyone drinking and singing songs... now I've retired one last time to my tower to gaze out at the sea that will soon be home. I'm worried though, that Viktor doesn't really want to go.
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| And I will pray to feel joy and grace |
[16 Apr 2002|10:09pm] |
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Chume, Chum gesell le min - Carmina Burana - Orff |
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Today has been melancholy. I'm not sure if it's the generla mopiness of the castle, but I'm really starting to worry about some people.
I feel sort of isolated right now... I ahd the weirdest dream last night about revisiting Warrios' Village... I think it was the news that McDohl and Gremio are around.
Truthfully, I haven't been to see them... I'm afraid it will dredge up memories of a past and a life and a she that I've moved on from...
or have I?
I think I'm going to go sit out on the beach.
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| And I will pray to feel joy and grace |
[16 Apr 2002|10:09pm] |
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Chume, Chum gesell la min - Carmina Burana - Orff |
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Today has been melancholy. I'm not sure if it's the generla mopiness of the castle, but I'm really starting to worry about some people.
I feel sort of isolated right now... I ahd the weirdest dream last night about revisiting Warrios' Village... I think it was the news that McDohl and Gremio are around.
Truthfully, I haven't been to see them... I'm afraid it will dredge up memories of a past and a life and a she that I've moved on from...
or have I?
I think I'm going to go sit out on the beach.
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| I have got to get out of here. |
[11 Apr 2002|04:35pm] |
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The boat is nearly completed - I've just been putting the finishing touches on it.
I have the horrible urge to jsut leave, right now, by myself, and I'm not sure why this is. Maybe I have a really bad case of spring fever, but I jsut don't feel close to anyone or anything right now.
It's like the inside of me itches to be on the move... and to think, I always thought I was the type to want to stay in one place, secure and all...
Maybe they ought to call me blue "wind" instead of "lightning".
I'm not even sure I should let SYl and Legolas and the hobbits come along... It seems that everyone in the castle is eyeing the boat. Why does it seem like this has been the longest winter ever?
I feel like I'm missing something, like something is just the slightest but out of alignment. I've charted out all the blank maps to use, even started to pack supplies onto the ship...
Tell me, what am I running from and what am I looking for?
What is it that doesn't feel right?
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| weird weather, weird thoughts |
[28 Feb 2002|06:22pm] |
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Sarah McLachlan - Angel |
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It's decidedly cold, and I feel that it may snow again before the weekend arrives.
I am glad to see that the surprise news seems to have turned out peacefully, even happily all around.
Of course, the entire situation really started me thinking. The time I had with Odessa was so short... but I remember one night, late in summer, when we were camped out a few miles from ... *sigh* I must be getting old, I can't even remember the name of the village. It's not important but...
It was right before we had "officially" gotten together, and we somehow got started on talking about our respective lives.
I suppose I was a very different person then - more stubborn and hotheaded than I am now. She talked about her brother briefly, and her family life before all the war had happened. She ahd this image of a peaceful world, an image that spurred us all on even in the harshest conditions on the longest days...
SHe dreamed of a world of eternal summer, a perfect little home with children in the yard and pies cooling on the windowsill.
She was a warrior, a leader, dynamic, bright....yet all she really wanted, secretely, was to be an ordinary woman - a wife, a mother...
I remember my response to her that night. I told her that I never wanted to be tied down like that - that I would always be as free as the wind, traveling wherever my heart pleased simply on a whim.
I still remember her gentle laughter for the young fool I was.
It was only after I feel in love...in lust? enamoured? wanted to be her? I'm not sure anymore - and after I lost her, that part of me came to idealize her dreams... that I came to ache for that eternal summer and peace, and to still the loneliness in my heart.
I won't deny that once or twice the thought had crossed my mind - to leave the wars, to find myself a pretty girl, and have that little house with the children in the yard.
But I don't think the wind would have ever let me rest. I don't think those things would have made me whole. I stopped looking for love a long time ago, stopped looking at women, stopped caring about ever having a family or a "home" that I owned. I thought that as long as I had my wits, my sword, and my best friend life was good. AFter all, no one else had ever understood me like Viktor...
And then love came and slapped me square across the face.
And you know, it's not a love and a life like I might have had with Odessa... but I wouldn't want it any other way,
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| Restless |
[25 Feb 2002|11:03pm] |
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mood |
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 restless |
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I think I have some sort of winter restlessness.
I want spring to come so the weather is better for rebuilding the castle. I like the whole rebirth thing, too...and flowers. (call me a pansy and I'll kick your ass, Vik)
I want to go walking on the beach again without freezing my ass off.
I want to know why Syl's been acting weird. I feel bad for Legolas - he's one of the nicest people I've met in a long time, and I think he and Syl might actually be good for each other.
I kind of wish we'd have some big gathering or something, cause I've been so restless.
I wish Vik and I could take off on some sort of adventure for awhile.
Well, I'm just full of whining today, aren't I?
*hits self*
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| Daylight, twilight, midnight, it makes no difference. |
[16 Feb 2002|03:23pm] |
I've been feeling horridly melancholy, which of course lends itself to wonderful poetic inspiration, but depression otherwise.
I'm not even quite sure what brought it on - I really think it's a combination of the tiem of year, and feeling weirdly lonely.
It doesn't make a lot of sense, but rarely do my feelings ever make sense, even to me.
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| Viktor |
[15 Feb 2002|01:08am] |
Eh, I'm not really sure what the deal is. You would think that a lightning storm (despite the fact that Rikku hid and sniffled beside Yuna for most of the day) would not be enough to cancel poor Selphie's dinner party...but stranger things have happened.
Although the party's postphoned until tomorrow evening, I wouldn't mind at all if you came by tonight... at least we can end the day right, even if we couldn't have all of it the way we wanted...
I'm not much for this syrupy sweetness the girls are lavishing on the castle, but I've been working on a bit of something for you...
Speaking of the castle, have you spoken to the others about using both magic and plain old fashioned labor to rebuild the castle? My plans are almost complete.
*pauses and glances around*
Er, Happy Valentine's day and all, bear...
*grin*
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| This Valentine thing. |
[15 Feb 2002|01:04am] |
The bouncy girl Selphie planned a huge dinner party today, but a terrible storm knocked out the power and so there was no dinner, and she postphoned it, to everyone's disappointment.
I, however, didn't mind the delay. I have been trying to talk to the redhead, Sylvia, but she avoids me like a disease. I hesitate to say it, but I find myself attracted to her despite her aloof attitude.
Several of the females decorated the castle with hearts today, and the loudest one, Astala, tried to explain the meaning behind this.
I don't understand, really, why anyone would need to designate a certain of the year for "love". Is love not something we should revel in and embrace every day that we can?
This is a very strange world indeed...but I am looking forward to that dinner party, and I have not given up on the redhead yet.
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| I've got it. |
[07 Feb 2002|04:26pm] |
The red head is hiding something. I would even wager a guess that she is the one in disguise.
The summoner girl seems sad today, and everyone is acting restless. I opened my sketchbook today for the first time in a long while, wanting to draw the new trees I've seen.
Yet...all that came out on the paper was Mirkwood. Is it possible that I am homesick? How absurd.
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| *sigh* |
[07 Feb 2002|04:25pm] |
I feel out of sorts. I wonder if it's the weather, or something else. Everything seems kinda grey and dreary today.
I think an afternoon nap would be a good idea, and maybe I'll feel better when I wake.
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| Trees! |
[07 Feb 2002|06:36am] |
If anyone here knew just how giddy trees make me feel, than they would surely think me insane. Ai! They have not lived the centuries I have, and trees know more of the land and the peoples than perhaps anything in the world does. Did not the Ents realise this and ache to become more like the trees?
The trees here whisper of souls as old as mine, nearly as old as time itself, they speak of new souls and those just begun living. What a strange variety of creatures here - it makes me miss Gimli.
I feel the blood of another elf, and I am determined to figure out where s/he he, and why they are hiding - from me, and from the others.
I fell asleep in a great old oak tree last night, and rose to find the sun caressing my cheek. I could do this every day and never grow tired of it. Some elves get lost in their immortality and time ceases to hold any meaning for them. Once I was like that, as well.
But... after the time of the ring, I know the precious quality of life and time. Every morning that I wake, I am grateful for the chance to live and experience another day in this wonderful universe.
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windwoodwater's journal